Pay Attention, There'll Be a Quiz at the End

What's a blog without a web quiz? Nothing, apparently. A web quiz has never sullied the pages of Outer Life. Until today. The blogging authorities have notified me that, in order to keep my blog license in good standing, Outer Life must carry at least one web quiz per year.

I've chosen a quiz penned by Michelle Malkin that's currently making the rounds.

So, without any further ado, here we go:

1. I have never voted for a Democrat in my life. Yes. I've also never voted for a Republican or a Libertarian or a Green or a Peace and Freedom candidate. I either check the "none of the above" box or write myself in.
2. I think my taxes are too high. Yes. Everyone else's are too low.
3. I supported Bill Clinton's impeachment. No. Now that he's out of office, I don't see what's to be gained by impeaching him.
4. I voted for President Bush in 2000. No. This is a trick question, as I distinctly recall that he ran for President in 1988 and 1992.
5. I am a gun owner. No. I refuse to keep firearms around the house. When it comes to self-defense, I'm more of a Semtex kind of guy.
6. I support school voucher programs. Yes. Someone has to vouch for the quality of our schools. I'm surprised we don't already do this.
7. I oppose condom distribution in public schools. No. If we don't give the kids condoms, they're going to have sex anyways. Oral and anal sex, that is. Maybe if we distributed condoms they'd switch to proper vaginal sex for a change. Call me a hidebound moralist, but that's just how I see it.
8. I oppose bilingual education. No. Looking back, I'm glad I took Spanish in high school.
9. I oppose gay marriage. No. Marriage should be happy. How could anyone oppose that?
10. I want Social Security privatized. Yes. So long as we deposit a healthy chunk of the trust fund with the Banco de Vida Externa, S.A., the full-service Panamanian banking affiliate of Outer Life Enterprises LLC.
11. I believe racial profiling at airports is common sense. No. It's bad enough that we have to endure all those prolifers at the airports scaring us with their posters of bloody fetuses. If they're going to get racist on us too, I think we can all agree that that's pushing the first amendment thing just a bit too far.
12. I shop at Wal-Mart. No. My wife does.
13. I enjoy talk radio. No. I haven't used a CB since Carter was in the White House. If enjoying C.W. McCall's "Convoy" counts, then you can change my answer to an enthusiastic "yes!"
14. I am annoyed when news editors substitute the phrase "undocumented person" for "illegal alien." Yes. That sort of substitution should be left to the reporter. I hate it when news editors meddle with someone else's writing just to get their two cents in to show who's the boss. "Look at me, I'm a powerful news editor marking up your copy with my big fat blue pencil. I'm a big big man because I change whatever I want and you can't do anything about it." Bunch of twits.
15. I do not believe the phrase "a chink in the armor" is offensive. Yes. Armor protects, so it's really more of a defensive phrase.
16. I eat meat. No. I like animals too much to eat them. I like vegetables and fruits too, so I don't eat them either. I have to admit I still eat grain -- a childhood spent mowing lawns inured me to the suffering the corporate farming-industrial complex inflicts on wheat and barley and other members of the grass family. I really hate insects, so I figure it's okay to eat them, but they look so icky that I just can't bring myself to do it.
17. I believe O.J. Simpson was guilty. No. He is guilty. Nothing's happened since to change my mind.
18. I cheered when I learned that Saddam Hussein had been captured. No. I heard the news on the car radio while driving with my mom and dad in a funeral procession for my aunt. Somehow cheering didn't seem to be the appropriate thing to do at the time.
19. I cry when I hear "Proud to be an American" by Lee Greenwood. Yes. When I see my fellow Americans swaying back and forth to this hackneyed tune (the title of which is actually "God Bless the U.S. of A."), I cry out "why do patriotic songs have to be so lame?"
20. I don't believe the New York Times. No. You will not find a more believable crossword puzzle in any other paper -- a tradition of reliability and trustworthiness preserved from the reign of Will Weng through the Eugene T. Maleska years and maintained today by His Puzzleness Will Shortz. Don't get me started on that fraudulent exercise in faulty wordsmithing the Los Angeles Times Sunday Magazine calls a crossword puzzle. Manufactured words, symbol gimmicks, celebrity clues ripped from the pages of the TV Guide crossword puzzle, a requirement that "ALOE" and "ANAT" must be appear in each puzzle. The Los Angeles Times crossword puzzle is an unbelievable national disgrace. Someone should look into it.

Well there you have it. I hope you're happy with this compulsory quiz. Tomorrow we'll resume our regularly-scheduled programming with smugly self-satisfied musings on some of the more unexpected challenges of being smarter than everyone else.

A smarter ass, that is.

Comments

[Rana]

This is brilliant!