An Open Letter to the Commission on Presidential Debates

I've always thought Presidential debates should utilize a formal scoring system. A panel of judges would give each candidate a point for each direct hit he scores on his opponent, just like in boxing. They'd display the running score in a corner of the screen so we could follow from home. And, at the end, the two candidates would meet in the middle, shake hands and then referee would announce which candidate was the winner and champeen and hold his arm up high in the air to the wild applause of the audience as streamers and confetti filled the air. Then we'd know which candidate to vote for.

Another idea I'm working on is to utilize some of the advances we've recently witnessed on television shows such as American Idol. During the debate, a celebrity panel would ask questions and immediately and candidly evaluate the candidate's responses. If you can get someone like than Simon guy, who tells it like is and keeps it funny, I predict this element could drastically increase the debate's ratings and visibility, especially in that crucial 18-34 demographic. At the end of the debate, those of us watching at home could call a 900 number and determine who won the debate. The proceeds could be used to support public funding of the campaigns. They'd tally the votes and announce a winner to much acclaim. Then we'd know which candidate to vote for.

Now that I think of it, though, the real problem with the debates is that the candidates alternate between canned answers and long-winded and directionless ramblings, and the format is too drab -- just two pasty-faced guys sweating behind podiums. None of this is calculated to inform or, more importantly, to hold the interest of an audience with short-attention spans and many other attractive viewing choices. Here's an idea: give the candidates the questions two weeks ahead of time and let them answer with short videos! Commercials are, after all, the medium of political discourse these days. We'd get the chance to evaluate the candidates' positions and their production values. At the end, they could use the 900 number voting idea I mentioned above to determine which candidate won, sort of like the MTV video awards. Or I suppose they could use something like an audience applause-o-meter. It really doesn't matter so long as it's clear who won. Then we'd know which candidate to vote for.