My Solution to the Porn Problem

Stephen Baldwin's puzzled by porn. So am I.

In the typical porn movie, before the opening credits are through, the characters are having sex. And they don't stop having sex until the closing credits roll.

I have a hard time identifying with that. Immediate, constant, automatic sex is so far outside my life experience that even my wildest fantasies can't process it.

I think a really effective porn movie would show a guy like me ogling these beautiful girls but afraid to approach them. Then it might show him out on a date with a woman who rejects his clumsy advances. Then it could build to a make-out session with another woman that stops short of getting really interesting, if you know what I mean. All the while you're sitting there wondering if there'll ever be any sex in this movie, something he's probably wondering too.

If he ends up scoring, I imagine you'll be really primed by that point to share his elation. And if he doesn't, you'll identify with that as well and probably be even more primed the next time you watch another of these really effective porn movies.

Just as beauty is enhanced when contrasted with ugliness, so would porn be enhanced if we contrasted the sex with anticipation, rejection, longing, frustration and desperation. Without those essential ingredients, porn just isn't that gratifying.

Comments

[stephenesque]

I like the no sex porn film idea. Just a guy getting very anxious all the time about his romantic prospects. You could be the next Ingmar Bergman, altho' I know you don't watch many films and probably have never seen any of his (lucky you!).
Remember Vampyros Lesbos? ...well, his films are nothing like that.

[A.C. Douglas]

You wanna see (or make) a porn movie that's not a porn movie, and then enjoy it as a porn movie?

Hmmm. Interesting concept.

Regards,

ACD (the semi-crippled weblogger)

[The Misspent Life]

I am reminded of an essay by Umberto Eco titled "How to Make a Pornographic Film" or some such thing. Unfortunately I can't go to my bookshelf and check, but if I recall it was something along the lines of a film showing every single detail, such as getting the car, turning on the car, going through each light and waiting for each light, and then reaching the destination, turning off the car, opening the door, getting out, closing the door--really tedious stuff. OK, I realize that this comment provides no extra value or witty aside. I just wanted people to know that I was reminded of an essay by Umberto Eco.

[Outer Life]

Misspent One -- Umberto Eco's essay "How to Recognize a Porn Movie" is contained in his book How to Travel With a Salmon and Other Essays. He argues that the defining characteristic of porn movies is their need to waste our time showing normal life in order to set off the sex scenes as something different. His view of porn movies appears to have been formed in during the Golden Era, when porn was shot on expensive film and contained (relatively) elaborate stories in order to avoid indecency prosecution.

Today's cheapo shot on video porn is nothing but sex and would benefit from some wasted time. Even better, as I argue, would be some finely tuned build-up time to enhance the sex. As it is, presenting sex without any context or framing ends up looking a lot like what you'd see in a nature documentary depicting animal mating habits.

[The Misspent Life]

But I am told that the music is much better in human nature documentaries.

I won't pretend to know much about pornographic movies, although I should, dammit. I'm 25, single, and lonely.

Thanks for the details on the Eco essay. The one thing I hate about traveling is not having all of my books within reach. I went through quite an Eco phase in college.

[The Misspent Life]

Oh, and why would Stephen Baldwin be puzzled by porn? I understand he has become something of a Christian, even going so far as to attend the RNC, but surely the star of Threesome would know enough about it to not be puzzled by it.

[stephenesque]

Did I say "puzzled by porn"? Naturally, I meant "puzzled by the films of Elvis Presley 1960 -1965".

[Enoch Soames]

My dear Stephen, in regards to Elvis films, would it be "puzzled by corn"?...Then again he did invent the music video, although his happened to each be two hours long.

[Esther Wilberforce-Packard]

If you're looking for anticipation, rejection, etc. in your porn, you may not be looking for porn at all; what you may need is a romance novel. My grandmother once told me that a racy cover means racy content, and pointed out that all of her romances had exceedingly modest women on the cover.

I'm getting off track. My point is: you could secretly read romances. It must be secret, because you are not a lady. I recommend the historical variety. You can have your anticipation and porny bits PLUS you'll get some highly accurate background info on, for example, Sam Houston's Texas, French Trappers, or high-strung Bostonites circa 1880.