Snip Snip

"Go forth and multiply," we were told, and we did.

And it was good.

"No more procreating," we resolved, after two.

And it was good.

"I'm through with the pill," she said, tossing me a Trojan.

And it was bad.

Thus I contemplate the vasectomy. No deference to my vas deferens. No more lifelines.  Just snip snip and it's goodbye fertility, hello sterility. Ejaculating without propagating. Shooting blanks. Millions left behind.  Never sharing my selfish genes with anyone ever again.

And for some reason I'm not sure I want to go through with it.

It's not that I'm squeamish when thinking of the procedure, or afraid I'll be less of a man (if anything, I'll be even fuller of the lusty juices of life after blocking their escape route), or concerned it will adversely affect my plumbing or hydraulic systems.

A friend in my situation won't get a vasectomy. Although he's very happily married, he's concerned that if by chance his marriage fails, or if God forbid he becomes a widower, most young hotties, envisioning a childless future with him, will shun him. His young hot wife, sitting next to him as he tells us this, nods her head: "I wouldn't have married him if children weren't in the picture." I hadn't thought of that, I think, but now having thought about it, I'm thinking it's not the reason I'm hesitating, although maybe it should be.  I'll need to think on it.

No, there's something deep inside me that resists permanent self-inflicted alterations to my body, such as tattoos, piercings, cosmetic surgery, Lasik eye surgery and dental procedures requiring the replacement or capping of teeth. I'm an alternative guy, in the sense that I like to keep as many options open as possible.  I never want to reach the point of no return. But once I hear the snip snip, there's no return.  Although there's a chance it might be reversible, I'll have to assume my seed-spreading days are over for good. And when I hear myself saying "for good" like that, it's for bad.

And there's something not so deep inside me that's worried that this is it, the first tangible manifestation that my days of swimming in the gene pool are over, that I've checked out of the whole miracle-of-life thing, that I'll never again stir the primordial soup, that I'm old and spent, that life will now pass me by, that my job here is through. 

A woman's biological clocks ticks and ticks as it slows down and, at an imperceptible moment, ticks no more. My clock, on the other hand, is due for a very perceptible smashing.  Is it any wonder I hesitate?

And then I remember the Trojans.  Snip snip, here I come.

(This post is a repeat. I first posted "Snip Snip" on November 8, 2004. I am such a wuss. For some reason the idea of sharp objects meeting my scrotum, well, it makes me hesitate. Hesitate for months. So long that as of now (late March) I still haven't scheduled the procedure. Well today, right here, right now, I vow to submit to the snip snip by the time you read this post. And if I don't, you can come on over and do it yourself.)

P.S. I'll be back this Monday with an all-new post! And a new outlook on life! And a new picture!

P.P.S. One of those statements is a lie. Actually, I might recycle an old picture, so technically two of those statements were lies. But look here for an all-new post on Monday!

P.P.P.S. Come to think of it, all my posts just rehash the same old tired themes with the same old worn-out devices. I just rearrange the words enough to lull you into a false sense of novelty. So none of my posts is truly "all-new." So all those statements were lies. So let's just say that on Monday I'll return with an all-new arrangement of the same old words, and leave it at that. Okay?

Comments

[A Circle of Quiet]

Sorry, you're on your own here. I am all for creating a blogging community, but I draw the line at performing reluctantly chosen medical procedures. Just the idea of certain commenters jumping at the chance may make that phone call easier for you, though.

[Grubby]

..."Snip snip" Heh. Hey, you know what, Outer? I don't think I ever really thought of you as an actual guy at a keyboard until you just now got me thinking about your scrotum. Thanks a lot, bro.

[joshua]

It's amusing that I have recently posted a contemplation on the subject of vasectomy on my blog just a few days prior. Is there something in the air that makes us consider self-sterilization? Is it merely the lack of affection for the rubber raincoats?

[Debra]

After my 3rd child I opted for a tubal ligation.

This last child was a choice pregnancy for my husband and myself. A second marriage for both. At the time OUR Kevin arrived in 1996 we had 3 children between us.
His Kerri was 18 that year and my Nicole and Vince were 14 and 12.

After 21 hours of labor and at the age of 38 this
tubal was a wonderful choice for me. :)
I wish you well in your upcoming 'snip-snip'.

[Happy Booker]

Welcome back! Are you back? Saw the picture of Plum and thought you might have resurfaced. Hope you had a good break. I owe you a note--THB

[MR]

"No deference to my vas deferens."

Mine is, "It will make a vast difference to my vas deferens."
It used to make her laugh, but now she just gives me a sideways glance and tells me I am stalling.