Clip Clip

     "Time for a quick bite downstairs?"

     "I'm out tomorrow, got to get a bunch of things done before I leave.  Can't do it."

     "But we have to talk before tomorrow."

     "What about?"

     "Tomorrow."

     "Huh?"

     "You know, your vasectomy."

     "Who told you I was having a vasectomy?"

     "No matter.  What does matter is not making an irrevocable decision to cut yourself off from future children.  And God.  I think we should discuss this immediately."

     "This is personal!  It's none of your business."

     "But there are better ways...."

     "NO!"

     Lesson:  Anything I confide to anyone at the office can, and will, be used by someone else against me.  We need a separation of church and office.  And church and scrotum.  And why do I attract so many religious friends, especially the ones whose smug self-righteous presumptuous priggery and prickery knows no bounds?

     "Nervous?"

     "Yes."

     "It's just a minor procedure."

     "Nothing involving a scalpel and my scrotum is minor."

     "They cut me up when I had our kids.  Compared to that, this is minor."

     "I respect your pain.  But my scrotum doesn't."

     Lesson:  I'm no Clinton; I don't feel your pain, at least when I'm feeling mine.  Pain is not a pain reliever.  Nor is guilt.

     "Do you have kids?"

     "Uh, yeah.  Two."

     "You probably thought that was an odd question, but you'd be surprised how many childless men we get in here."

     "I am surprised."

     "We had a guy in here last year, twenty years old, said he never wanted kids.  And he came in with his girlfriend -- he wasn't even married!"

     "Did you turn him away?"

     "Nope.  He wanted it, so we did it."

     Lesson:  Tattoos and odd piercings aren't so bad after all.  If you must permanently alter your body at a young age, a little ink or a few holes in strange places is nothing next to sterilization. 

     "How are you feeling?"

     "Like I need to get off this couch."

     "But it says here that you should stay off your feet for 48 hours."

     "But we went for the clips instead of the snips in part to speed the recovery time.  Forty-eight hours is for the guys who got cauterized.  And I'm sick of sitting here.  It's probably making me feel worse.  If I can just get up and about I'm sure I'll feel better."

     "Are you sure?  Well, you said you'd fix the printer.  I need to print something tonight."

     "I think it needs new toner.  I'll pick some up from Staples."

     "We need paper too."

     Lesson:  How often have I fantasized about spending a weekend on the couch, surrounded by books and magazines, the TV in front of me, a bunch of CDs and DVDs queued up awaiting the command of my remote control, nowhere else I need to be?  Pretty much everyday of my adult life.  Then my wish comes true, but after three hours I'm crawling the walls, eager to escape, grabbing the first errand that comes my way.  I am an impatient patient. I cannot enjoy enforced relaxation.  It's only fun when I'm supposed to be doing other things.  Life is never simple.

     "Now what seems to be the problem?"

     "It's killing me.  Started last night.  Right there.  And up through here.  And my right testicle doesn't look right. It's too high."

     "Okay, let's have a look, shall we?  Does that hurt?"

     "Ahhhhhhrrrrgh!"

     "Well, I've seen worse.  A lot worse.  It's a good-sized orange.  We see lots of grapefruits in here.  Even bigger.  You'd be amazed.  The skin there is incredibly elastic, unlike the skin anywhere else on your body.  Have you heard of elephantitis?  George says you lifted something?"

     "A box of paper."

     "Didn't you read the post-op sheet?  No lifting for five days."

     "I felt better.  And I'm an idiot."

     "Don't be too hard on yourself.  One of my patients -- a physician -- felt so much better he got on a flight the next day and, soon after lifting his bag into the overhead compartment, was seized up in excruciating pain, no relief till he got to New York.  Five hours later. Now that's agony.  Thankfully everything here looks okay.  You'll just need to stay off your feet, lie down for a week, keep it iced, take the anti-inflammatories.  And no lifting.  Not even a briefcase.  The swelling should start going down by next week, but you'll be ballooning for at least another few weeks.  The good news is I see no infection, the stitches look good, there's no hernia."

     "No testicle torsion?"

     "Testicle torsion?  What gave you that idea?"

     Lesson:  I have so much to learn.  For one, I can no longer take my body for granted, neglecting its needs, treating it as an after-thought.  Unless, that is, I develop a taste for pain.  Also, ignorance can be bliss, especially at 3:00 am when one is writhing in agony and searching the internet for a clue to its cause and one happens upon a description of a morbid condition called "testicle torsion" that seems to match one's symptoms and strongly suggests that one testicle will soon be sliced out and the other will be sewn to the inside of one's scrotum.  Not the thing to soothe the fevered brow. 

     "Now you'll never want to touch me there again."

     "And you'll never let me touch you there again."

     "It's a fail-safe.  You'll never forget the sight of my bulging bleeding scrotal sac, I'll never forget its excruciating pain.  So even if the clips fail, we'll never be able to have sex again."

     "You should've listened to your religious friend."

     Lesson:  Time heals all wounds.  Right?

     Related post: "Snip Snip" (Nov. 8, 2004).

Comments

[Darkov]

I'm with you on that seperation of church and office. Dropped a personal comment to a person I assumed was tight of lip about my cleansiing of the cobwebs lobotomy. Wasn't even lunchtime before every bi-ped in the building was coming to my office wanting to give me a piece of their mind.
Keep in mind all medical procedures are not about you; it's all about them. At least that's the Law of the Office.

I had a vasectomy about five years ago. I was all for it. After two kids I didn't want any more midnight bottle feedings, diapers and sleepless nights. My wife agreed, only because I don't think she wanted to go back on the pill. I think I surprised her when I suggested having the proceedure. All I thought about was the no worries sex, I couldn't wait! I worried too about not being able to reproduce again but, now after five years of no worry sex, it never crosses my mind. My wife and I are closer because of it and we have alot of fun too. Even though our kids are still young and I want to savor every day of their lives at home with us, I look at it as the beginning of my wife and I getting our lives back. Yep, it's definately a turning point in ones life, but it isn't necessarily a bad one.

Peace

[shank]

There's a great silver lining here - you get to have a gigantic package for the next few days. I suggest a trip to the office just to pick up a few things and show off your enormously huge member.
"Did you see OuterLife Guy's wedding tackle?"
"How could I not? It practically waved to me when he walked in the door."
"It must be the jeans he's wearing today, I guess the suitpants don't hang just so."
"Yeah. I wonder if he used to play in a band..."

[R J Keefe]

Bravely done. Both.

Never, ever consult medical texts for laymen in the middle of the night unless you're perfectly all right (which no one is ever, after a certain point). As you've learned.

[Grubby]

My thoughts are with you and yours.

[QB]

Great. Now I'm going to curl up into the fetal position, and hope the nightmares will end. Seriously, though--terrific essay.

[andrew]

wow...

my job involves me occasionaly seeking out great heaping servings of pain..

but this post had me writhing in empathetic agony...

serious ouch!!! and what makes it doubly worse is that someday I might also expereinces these joys!!! aaaagh!!

what makes it triply worse is that my wife is a veterinarian!!!! and does this kind of thing professionally...

at least we don't go through what male cats go through.. my wife tells me that when one of them is castrated, they don't close the incision in the scrotum after surgery.. they just leave it open, it supposedly heals better that way...

(there, now I am sharing the agony around...
as always, this blog has some seriously good writing!!)

[Grubby]

So, Outer, now that we've allowed an appropriate amount of time to pass... pics will be forthcoming, right? You don't have to show your face.